


Don't Worry

by Hear_the_Dokidoki



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2019-10-29 11:06:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17806847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hear_the_Dokidoki/pseuds/Hear_the_Dokidoki
Summary: “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks.A long pause.Mark is staring at his hand.The knuckles are still faintly red.





	1. Chapter 1

“How long has it been?”

The trace of a whisper.

A step.

Another.

Mark flinches.

“Hyung,” Donghyuck calls.

Careful, quiet, faltering.

“4 years,” comes Mark’s voice. “Almost 5, I think.”

“That’s…”

“Yeah.”

It’s nearly as long as they’ve known each other.

Donghyuck never knew.

He never noticed.

How did he miss it?

It’s quiet.

Mark won’t look at him.

*

 

It’s not easy to make him talk.

Donghyuck can’t force him.

He shouldn’t.

Should he?

He doesn’t know.

With the others, it’s as usual.

He supposes it’s how it’s always been.

But why didn’t he know?

Why didn’t he notice?

There’s a wall between them.

*

 

To get there, it takes a few hours.

Every time,

To reach that place.

He supposes it’s dark.

In spite of that,

Because of that,

He thinks he should be there.

With him.

_With him._

*

 

“It’s not that bad,” Mark tells him.

Donghyuck stares.

“It used to be two or three times a day,” Mark continues. “It only comes back every now and then.”

“Why?” Donghyuck can’t help but ask.

A pause.

“I don’t really know,” Mark admits. “It happens when I’m stressed.”

“Y-you don't need that,” Donghyuck blurts. “To look good. You know that, don’t you?”

Mark shrugs unperceivably.

“It’s not what it's about.” He pauses. “Not entirely. Not anymore.”

“Then… What?”

Mark turns away.

Donghyuck regrets asking.

He’s lost him again.

“I told you,” Mark mutters. “I don’t know.”

*

 

Nothing changes, on the surface.

Donghyuck remembers thinking that Mark doesn’t seem like the kind of person who’d do that.

But then, he doesn’t understand it.

Maybe just a bit. He can see how it could happen to some people...

But not to his best friend.

Why to him?

And why didn’t he share his burden?

Donghyuck would’ve taken it.

He would’ve tried,

He would do anything,

 And Mark’s the same, on so many levels,

On all of them.

It’s easy to be like they’ve always been.

Donghyuck doesn’t know what to do.

*

 

“How did you hide it?” Donghyuck asks in a murmur.

They’re lying in Mark’s bed, and Mark’s busy trying to look busy.

“I learned to plan,” the older one says. “It’s not that hard.”

“What would you plan?”

“Well…” Mark lets out. “Like, how to avoid you guys. What to buy, when to buy it… Logistics, mostly.”

Donghyuck hesitates. “And do you plan when to, uh…”

“The crises?” Mark utters. “More or less. Kind of, but not really.”

Hyuck glances at Mark. He has an urge to hug him, to hold him close.

To keep him away from all those things.

“What starts them?” he asks instead. "The crises?"

Mark shifts. He considers the question for a minute, and Donghyuck is overly aware of low roaring of the heater.

“I guess I decide I want to do it.”

Silence.

“You… decide?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh.”

Donghyuck breathes slowly. He’s scared to push too much.

“We should go to sleep” Mark asks gently. “I’m tired.”

“Can I stay with you?”

A short pause.

“Yeah.”

*

 

He feels responsible.

Even if it wasn’t Mark’s choice, he knows.

He’s the only one who does.

Mark doesn’t want to tell anyone else, especially not their manager.

“He wouldn’t understand,” he justifies. “And I’m okay. Really. It’s not that bad.”

And it’s strange, Donghyuck thinks.

Mark is not in denial. He knows something is wrong.

It’s just not that bad, apparently.

He doesn’t do it often enough for his body to be impacted.

He’s still healthy.

He’s still himself.

 _That_ side of him...

It’s only his,

 _Was_ only his.

Now, Donghyuck is aware of it.

He can’t say that he understands it.

But Mark doesn’t seem to understand it that well either.

*

 

It’s dark. It’s late.

Mark is tired.

His tongue is looser.

“Being empty,” Mark confesses. “Or being full. There’s something about both of those extremes.”

“Do you enjoy it?” Donghyuck asks slowly.

A pause.

“It makes me feel something.”

“Something… good? Bad?”

“Not bad,” Mark replies. “I don’t know.”

He never does.

*

 

It’s heavy.

It weighs down on him.

He wishes he could ask for advice.

The internet helps some, but he feels alone.

So alone.

He wishes he could tell one of their friends,

Share his sadness,

His pain.

But Mark trusts him not to tell.

He has to keep his word.

*

 

Donghyuck wishes he could do more.

*

 

“It’s not as bad as before.”

*

 

"I'm there for you. Always."

*

 

“I’m okay, Hyuck. Don’t worry.”

*  
  
  
"Don't worry."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone needs to talk, don't hesitate to contact me. 
> 
> This too shall pass.

A knock on the bathroom's door.

"Fuck," Mark thinks. " _Fuck_."

"Hyung?" comes Donghyuck voice. "Are you... okay?"

Shame. A tinge of relief.

Then,

Nothing at all. 

"I'm fine," Mark replies. 

He looks into the water. 

There's a calculation of sorts. Of how much is gone. 

He still feels it inside him. 

It shouldn't be inside him. 

But he's lost his chance.

Oh well. 

"Mark?" Donghyuck calls. 

He stands up.

Makes it go away. Runs water on his hand. On his lips. 

Wipes his eyes. 

Mark tries to look normal,

He feels normal. 

He knows it's wrong...

But it's just how things are. 

*

 

"You should call me," Donghyuck says. "When you feel bad. Whenever."

"I know," Mark utters.  

"Why don't you ever do it?"

Silence. 

"Let me be there for you," Donghyuck murmurs. "Please."

Mark looks away. "It's not that... I..."

Donghyuck reaches out. Marks lets him lace their fingers. 

"This is why I didn't tell you," Mark says quietly. "I didn't want it to hurt you."

"It's not hurting me," Donghyuck retorts.

It's a lie.

They both know it. 

"I know you're there for me," Mark says. "And it feels nice to have that support. It's just that... It's personnal, you know?"

Donghyuck sinks even further. 

"Hyuck," Mark says, gentle, loving. "I'm sorry."

"Why are you apologizing?" Donghyuck asks, voice brittle. 

Mark blinks. "I..."

"It's not your fault."

Mark stares. 

"It is," he says. 

Donghyuck makes as if to speak, but the front door clicks and they hear their friends coming in. 

They exchange a glance.

An unsaid agreement.

Mark lips curve into his cheeks and he goes to greet his members.

Life goes on. 

*

 

There are ups and there are downs. There are times when it's barely there, like he can finally let go. 

But it never leaves him. Never fully. 

It's hidden within his thoughts, dark and viscous and slipping through the cracks,

And one night - it's usually at night - it's back, everywhere and nowhere all at once. 

It's not overwhelming per say. It comes like water that slowly boils. 

Even before he slips, he's been there for some time. 

He falls,

And it's gentle,

So gentle...

He barely feels it. 

*

 

They're in the Donghyuck's bed watching a movie. 

They shouldn't be awake at such an hour, and they know they'll regret it in the morning.

For now, this feels good,

They let themselves enjoy it. 

When the credits roll, Mark is only half-awake.

Donghyuck shifts. He gently rests his forehead on Mark's shoulder. 

"Do you know how much I love you?" he asks in a whisper.

A lazy smile. "What's with the sudden confession?"

"I don't know that I could love more," Donghyuck admits. 

A dusting of pink. 

Mark chuckles nervously. 

"Besides my family," the youngest continues. "I..."

"Hyuck-"

"It's not enough."

A pause. 

"What?" Mark breathes. 

"I wish you could see. I wish..."

"Hyuck?"

Silence.

"Donghyuck, hey..."

"I want you to be okay."

 _Oh_. 

"I hate that you feel like you aren't enough," Donghyuck says. "I hate that I don't understand it. I'm mad that I can't help you, and..."

And he looks miserable. 

 _It_ made Donghyuck this way,

 _He_ made Donghyuck this way. 

Mark pulls him close. 

"Don't worry," he implores. "I'm okay."

Donghyuck shakes his head. "God, why are you even the one to confort me? This is so messed up."

"I'm sorry-"

"Shut up."

Mark gulps.

There's a heavy sigh. 

"I'm so tired," Donghyuck says, barely audible.

Mark hesitates.

"We should go to sleep."

There's a long pause.

Donghyuck hums and pulls the blanket up. "Stay with me."

Mark takes a deep breath.

"Okay."


	3. Chapter 3

"I've been reading a bit," Hyuck says. "About..."

The word gets lost in his throat. 

It seems like it'd be wrong to say it out loud. To give a name to that thing that rots within his best friend. 

"Bulimia?" Mark suggests.

When the older says it, the term doesn't carry the weight it has in his head. 

He isn't sure if that's a good or a bad thing.

"Yeah," Donghyuck lets out. 

Mark waits for him to continue. Doesn't add anything. Doesn't look at him either. 

He waits. 

"There are biological factors," Donghyuck begins.

"I don't like to think about that," Mark cuts in. 

Donghyuck trips over his words,

Falls silent.

He feels small. Inadequate.

"What do you mean?" he inquires in a whisper. 

"It's complicated," Mark replies. 

It always is. 

"I feel in control, when a crisis happens," Marks explains, fidgetty. "I'm still all there, you know?" He pauses. "If you tell me it's the fault of some fuck up in my brain, it's like... It takes away some of my responsability. That's..." A gulp. "That's worse, somehow."

"You're sick, Mark," Donghyuck hears himself say. 

There's a long pause.

"I know."

"There are factors that are out of your control."

"I _know._ "

"Do you really?"

The sound of their breaths,

Cars racing outside, 

Night, as dark as ever. 

"Don't you want to change?"

The older takes a deep inspiration. 

"I'm aware," Mark murmurs. "That I should strive for better..."

He crosses his arms,

Folds onto himselfs.

"But it's been so long. It seems like it’s always been like this, you know? It’s like... Like I don't know what 'better' means anymore."

" 'Better' is opening up," Donghyuck replies quietly, and Mark makes as if to speak. "Not to me," the younger adds, brows forrowing ever so sligthly. "To someone who knows about this."

Mark closes his eyes. 

Sighs. 

"It makes sense, right?" Donghyuck lets out, a tiny bit of his anguish seeping through. 

Mark keeps himself absolutely rigid.

"Hyung?"

"Yeah," Mark breathes. "It does."

Hyuck's mouth twists into a barely-there smile. "Does that mean..."

"Not now," Mark replies. "There's too much going on."

"That means you have more chance of relapsing."

"I know how to be careful."

"That's stupid."

There's a flat chuckle. 

"But it works," Mark says.

Donghyuck is glaring, but he doesn't break the eye contact. 

"I know you don't approve-"

"Of couse I don't fucking approve," Donghyuck spits. 

"I just don't have the time right now."

"You never will."

Silence.

"It's not an easy process," Mark argues, a new sharpness in his voice. "It takes a lot of energy. I can't afford that right now."

" _You need help_."

"Who are you to decide that for me?" 

Donghyuck's lips become a thin line. 

He turns away.

Mark's anger melts immediatly. 

"Hyuck, I didn't mean..."

He's standing up.

Walking away.

 _Away_.

"I'm sorry," Mark blurts. 

"Fuck off."

"Donghyuck-"

"I'm going to sleep."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing helps me gather my thoughts, I think. I'm a bit conflicted about posting these tbh. I don't want to harm anyone by pushing them in a bad thought spiral or something. Tell me what you think?


End file.
